Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
