I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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