I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
