Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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