My liver just broke up with me...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am naked and annoyed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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