But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
