I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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