I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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