So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
and she was petting her beer can
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
