I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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