Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
