i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
