The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
