i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
