Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
