He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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