Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
