When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
