my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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