There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
