So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
