i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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