i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
