I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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