Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
