why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
