mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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