I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
