i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
