im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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