All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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