He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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