I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
