I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
