I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i think i just lost a toe
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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