I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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