Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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