I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
