sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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