So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
