my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
