Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
