Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
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He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize