I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
