Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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