She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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