There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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