so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
