The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This house was built for laser tag.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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