I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
