I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
