hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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