You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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