I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
