If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
