I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
