I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
