I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
