You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize