So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
grandma shit on top of the toilet
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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