I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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