tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
