Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
