What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
